SalsaXxBaeliscious
by SalsaXxBaeliscious
Summary: The truest romance the North has ever witnessed. And the weirdest.
1. Decisions and Answers

-Salsa-

Salsa stood at the open window of her bedroom, the curtains waving gently beside her as the salty ocean breeze drifting lazily through the room. Petyr Baeliscious had come to her only moments before with a proposition: come with him to the Little Fingers (he'd lifted one eyebrow suggestively while mentioning his homeland), escape from King's Landing away from "that bitch Cersei" as he'd put it, and act as his fiancé while he schemed to take his revenge against the crown. Salsa had to admit that even though Baeliscious was twice her age he was indeed, well, delicious so his plan didn't seem too farfetched. Plus with Joffrey getting more sadistic by the day she doubted she'd keep her life much longer. The only problem was the gray-haired fox that was Petyr Baeliscious couldn't fully insure her safety and leaving one known evil for a possibly unknown one wasn't entirely inviting. _No_ , Salsa thought as her fists curled at her sides, _I am a wolf of the north and I will not be afraid_. The only way she could find her scattered family was the leave the "safe" hold of the Lannister's grips and travel onwards. Salsa let that be the deciding factor when she checked the "yes" box on Baeliscious' "Will you go to the Little Fingers with me? Xoxo Check yes or no" letter he left behind earlier and had a handmaiden leave it under his door. They would sail in a fortnight and Salsa would make sure she was ready for whatever may come.

-Baeliscious-

Petyr squeaked with delight after reading Salsa's reply, hugging the note to his chest while twirling around the room. The love of his life's daughter had just agreed to accompany him back home. _No, this isn't creepy at all_ , Baeliscious comforted himself as he stroked the wall of paintings depicting both Catlyn and Salsa on his wall, _Catlyn would want this and since we couldn't be together she would surely want me to marry her daughter; yes, yes it's all coming together_. He put on his Catlyn wig and rocked back and forth in the candle light, contemplating his next step.


	2. Disguises

-Baeliscious-

Petyr Baeliscious felt smug as the remaining few details of his plan feel into place. The last of which were the two twin beds that had finally arrived for the boat voyage for himself and Salsa (Petyr secretly hoping she'd suggest putting them together - the thought of which made him giggle gaily). His only problem was The Moth who'd taken up stalking him; though luckily not so quietly as the giant man baby had longstanding issues with excessive flatulence. All the seven kingdoms knew The Moth skittered about trying to pry into everyone's business, but it was long understood that they were simply to ignore him and pretend he was doing a good job spying.

Petyr massaged his temples in frustration as the low howl of an especially vocal fart sounded just behind the tapestry on the adjacent wall. "I can't wait to sail to the sands of Dune. They sure aren't going to believe what plans I have in store for their newest trade route." The little feet poking out of the tapestries bottom wiggled, clearly thrilled with the "secret" information. _Good, it appears he's buying it._ Baeliscious rolled up the maps that lay before him and just before exiting the room added, "Maybe this new route can better hide Cersei's copious amounts of swamp-ass ointments she needs shipped in every month." It wasn't true but Petyr couldn't help starting a juicy rumor that he knew The Moth would spread like wildfire across the castle. He was particularly proud of being the cause of the Black Plague scare three years back, though the deaths that followed from an actual Black Plague were strictly coincidental. _That should be enough of a distraction for him until I can leave King's Landing_ , Petyr thought as he made his way to the shore side.

-Salsa-

Salsa, of all people, knew her manners better than anyone. Because of that Salsa understood that it would be terribly rude to slap the shit out of little Tommen who stood before her. _I swear to the Old Gods and the New, if this little muppet doesn't let me on my way he will suffer my wrath for a hundred years._ She nodded along to the small boy's obsessive ramblings about his kitty cats; he favored her so sought out her undivided attention as he explained unwarranted opinions about various cat breeds. _If this boy doesn't grow up to be the biggest Gaylord..,_ Salsa's thoughts were interrupted by a tapping on her shoulder.

"Ah, my Lord Tommen, do excuse me but I need the presence of Lady Stark," Petyr's sudden appearance washed over Salsa like a cool wave of relief. A pout furrowed on the little boys face, but he nodded his agreement, picked up the nearest cat, and skipped away. "Salsa it's time," whispered Baeliscious hurriedly as he glanced around the corridor for company. "The boat is ready, we must go."

"Now?" Salsas heart quicken with both terror and excitement. Without another word he grabbed her wrist gently, the heat of his palms making Salsa blush lightly, and guided her out of the castle and to the docks.


	3. The Journey Ahead

-Salsa-

Salsa was pleasantly surprised at the sight of her temporary bedding arrangements. Though she had to share the room with Petyr, (her insides twittered at the thought of nights shared with the gray haired fox) she was impressed with the effort he had put into making the room just right for her. Beautiful silk canopy hung from the ceiling's raptures to create colorful waves when the wind blew from open south window; all the furniture, sparse as they may be, had a lovely pastel finish; and the decorative rug lining the room was weaved from the softest wool available to the seven kingdoms. The only catch was a secret closet that Baeliscious asked that she never open. Having a walk-in closet for her own things, Salsa wasn't too concerned with this stipulation.  
On their way to the ship they were fortunate enough not to run into anyone that would give away their plan. The boat was untied from the dock and easily slipped out of the harbor by dusk. Despite the darkening sky Salsa was too jittery from the escape to stay below deck, enjoying the night breeze winding off the ocean. Once they'd boarded Petyr went to work leaving her to herself, a little lonely if she were to be honest, but managed to settle her wondering mind by finding as many constellations as she could remember. She took a deep breath of salty air and finally felt some resemblance of safety that she hadn't felt since leaving Winterfell.

-Baeliscious-  
Satisfied with Salsa's approval of the room he'd decorated for them, he had to get his plans in order. Feeling comfortable that Salsa seemed to have no interest in his forbidden closet (he had to store his shrine to Salsa and her mother _somewhere_ ), he laid out his maps once more and went to scheming.

He didn't return to their shared bedroom until well after Salsa had fallen asleep. Baeliscious stood in the doorway, a single candle lit in the holder of his hand, watching the way the moon light from south window played on her delicate features. _She looks just like Catlyn_ , he sighed as he moved clos to stroke her cheek. _And she will probably get the best of me._


	4. A Tale at Sea

-Salsa/Baeliscious-  
The stars above sparkled across the ocean waves like scattered diamonds. Salsa stood at the railing wishing she could float among them. It had already been three weeks at sea with Baelicsious working constant nights leaving Salsa, rather regrettably, with the room to herself. She turned as familiar footsteps approached.  
"You know Lord Baeliscious," began Salsa without waiting for him to greet her, "I was wondering if I might-" Her voice wavered as she fully faced the deliciousness that was Baelicious, "...call you Bae?  
"Aye, Bae Bae?"  
"What?"  
"Nothing, nothing," Baeliscious coughed. "Yes of course you can. I'd love that very much." He savored the smile he earned from that comment. "I was actually coming over to ask you something of my own."  
"Oh?"  
Petyr picked up her hands, cupping them in his own as he stared deeply into her eyes. "Though I haven't had the pleasure of your company as much as I've wished, I've come to confess my affections for you." He was proud of himself for not stumbling through his words. "And I was wanting to know if you felt the same?"  
"Well-" Salsa began but was quickly cut off.  
"And I don't mean as my fake fiancé for this whole ruse. I mean do you have affections for the me? The real me?"  
"Oh, Bae" Salsa sighed wistfully, "where would I be without you?"  
"Mainly in a castle with your family if they hadn't been brutally slaughtered."  
Salsa nodded agreeably, "True; but I digress." Her breath hitched and she could feel her heartbeat quicken. "Oh Bae... Yes, yes of course I have affections for you too! I was worried you'd thought of me as a stupid little girl who could never possibly catch your attention!"  
"No, sssh," Petyr lulled as he placed a hand behind her neck and drew her closer. "You aren't, nor could you ever be a stupid little girl. You're a princess and I'm going to make you a queen." _Fck yeah, Baeiliscious, you smooth operator_ \- he mentally fist pumped himself _._  
"Oh Bae-!" Salsa was yet again interrupted, but this time by Petyr's lips on hers.


End file.
